I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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