What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
