Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
