I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Randomize
