he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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