I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
