If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
