yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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