that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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