hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
