Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
