I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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