I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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