Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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