at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
