if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
