i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
