The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
