They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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