Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize