not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
