; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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