Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
