Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
