hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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