You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
