You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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