Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize