I'm sorry my penis didn't work
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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