I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How external is "for external use only"?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
