I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
