you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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