He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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