so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
being pregnant is like rehab
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize