now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
