last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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