I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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