yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
