I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
