Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Randomize
