Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize