I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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