Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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