saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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