You can't motorboat a personality
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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