just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
