Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This baby is an asshole
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
