Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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