im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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