Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
