my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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