I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Congratulations! We have a period
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