Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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