I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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