I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
