his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
