just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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