Swine flu is the new snow day.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
