never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
