Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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