I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
