WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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