That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize