hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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