Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize