sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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