but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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