How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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